God Provides in Unexpected Ways

Today is one of those days that is a testimony to how God gives us what we need, even when we don’t know what it is and haven’t asked for it.

Ten years ago today my mother died.  For the last year, I have thought from time to time about what this day might mean.  Three months ago, I decided I would spend it just like any other Saturday with some usual responsibilities but then plans shifted and I ended up with the day completely free.  I took that as I sign that I ought to be more intentional about marking the day. I needed some internal and external work done.  This week I decided I would clean the attic.  It seemed fitting.  My mom was always trying to get organized and get rid of things but had a hard time actually getting it done - a trait that I definitely inherited.  It would be a fine way to remember her and accomplish some needed work.  I would also spend time journaling and trying to process some of the emotions and regrets that I associate with being a daughter and a mother.   I had it planned. I was going to do what I thought I needed to do.

And then things started to happen. I was swept up by relationships and gratitude in unexpected ways. 

Yesterday, two dear friends came to town and we spent the afternoon talking about life - theirs and mine.  I laughed as only I can do when I am with them.  After they left, I remembered that 10 years ago they brought supper to our house as my mother lay dying in the next room.  One of them came back to sit with my mom so I could get some sleep and just before I was going to take my shift at midnight she woke me up to come downstairs and be with my mother as she took her last breaths in the new day’s  dawning.  That kind of bond and friendship is unique.  They had no idea of the significance of yesterday  but I was so grateful that they were there to share it with me.

While I wanted to hide away today, I thought it would be good to start the Saturday as I usually do with the only parents I have in this world - my in-laws. Our weekly breakfast ironically turned in to a celebration of what it means to be family as “slakt to slakt” (Swedish for clan to clan) connections were confirmed.  At the other end of the table,  I sat next to the man who provided pastoral care for my mother in her last months and was there as support to me when both my parents died.  He did not know the significance of the day but I quietly gave thanks to God for all the ways he has been present to care for those in need, including me.  He and his wife are family to me.

This morning our daughter unexpectedly showed up at the house with tulips and pussy willows.   I cried, as only I can do when I am with her.  She got up early and drove for hours in order to spend a few hours with me on a hard day.  We talked, we shopped, we ate Taco Tico - all the things we do as mother and daughter.  She even helped me sort the attic.  When she left I realized that perhaps all the self loathing and regrets I had anticipated to pour out in my journaling were maybe not as bad as it had seemed at the beginning of the week.  I am not perfect but I am forgiven.  I am not enough but who I am is enough.

Tonight our son and his wife showed up unexpectedly for supper.  They were passing through and when they found out the significance of the day they decided to stop.  It was a delight to see them and celebrate how our family has enlarged in the years since my mother’s death.  She would be so delighted in her new grandchildren.  They would have been loved by a woman who had so much love to give.  

Intentionally or unintentionally, I received blessings beyond my anticipation or control.  I did not know what I needed today.  I thought I had it figured out but the Holy Spirit provided in ways beyond my imagination.  Thanks be to God for the gifts of family and friends in joy and in sorrow. 

Live Life to the Fullest... and...

I’m in an in between spot in life.  I opened up a package of 100 count tea candles that we bought at IKEA this weekend and as I dumped them in the drawer I caught myself thinking,  “Well, I guess there will be leftover tea candles when I die.”  In recent months I’ve noticed that when Kirk is encouraging me to buy something my usual answer is, “Why should we?  It will just be another thing that the kids will put in the dumpster when we are dead.” 

So, what does it all mean?  It is possible that I am fatalistic with all my years of ministry in death and dying. I am too young to be focused on death unless I am rehearsing tragedy in order to cover up my feelings of vulnerability for the future.   It might be that I am a realist, knowing that the things of this life are temporary and that my millennial generation children have no interest in the “treasures” that their parents or grandparents have hung on to in order to leave a lasting legacy for the future.  Or it might be that I am somewhere in between. 

In the in between, I am trying to figure out what it means to live in the second half of life -  to be realistic about the future but also to fully engage with what is present.  I know friends who are counting the days until retirement, planning for all the possibilities, and looking forward to a life that may or may not come to fruition.   And I have friends who want to deny that they are aging, that there are changes ahead and don’t want to think about it until it is forced upon them.  I guess all are valid approaches but I’m not sure where it is that I am at - in this in between. 

Mostly, I have decided that I might be missing the present.  That would be unfortunate.  Sure, it is not all great.  There are challenges.  But the grass is not always greener on the other side of the fence and it irritates me when people keep glancing over there and thinking that they don’t have to deal with what is the here and now.  It also makes me nervous to make too many plans about the future when we all know that life can change in an instant. 

What a gift we are given - each day, each person, each event, - even each tea candle that I light.  I want to be fully engaged in the present and to be thankful that I am alive to be part of whatever is happening right now in my life.  I don't know what the future holds.  All I know that God has placed me here in this place, at this time, and I want to do my best.  What a gift! What a joy! Why would I spend my time worrying about the unknowns and miss the opportunities that are right before me.  

At the same time, a favorite book of mine is Soul Salsa by Leonard Sweet.   One of the chapters is entitled, “Bounce Your Last Check” and I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately.  He says, “We are all going to die.  Many of us are living as if we are immortal, but we are all going to die.  The only question is, what will we leave behind when we die?  If you dance the ‘soulsalsa’ in this new millennium, you will leave nothing behind.  By the time you die, you will have given away whatever you have. Time it so that the last check bounces... To bounce one’s last check is to die vertical, not horizontal.  To die vertical is to take a stand and to declare your values even when you die.  To die horizontal is to allow others to declare your values for you and to let them take whatever stands they want to take with your money...” 

It is an interesting combination of thoughts  - and I am “in between.”” I’m trying to figure out how to live life - to live it to the fullest, right now, in whatever God gives to me.  And at the same time to prepare for the future realizing that the lasting legacy may not be the amount of tea candles in a drawer or CDs in the bank but how we live our lives and our values  for generations to come.     

Investing in 2018

For some people the turn of the new year is about resolutions.  I used to be one of those people.  Each year I would make a list of new year's resolutions. By mid- January,  I would admit defeat.  All of the resolutions had been broken and I would just go on aimlessly through the year.  Then, I discovered the idea of picking one word for a focus for the year  It is not perfect,  but 100% better for my personality than a list of resolutions.    It is a way to orient and re-orient myself to - (not a disappointing goal like exercising more) -  but to  a thought process that can carry me through the year.  I've been using this as a kind of spiritual discipline for several years.  Each new year is met with anticipation and a bit of anxiety about what the "word" might be. 

"So, what is your word this year, mom?" was the question posed by my daughter this weekend.  It pushed me toward that dreaded decision.  The first few years it was easy.  While I really like this discipline, for the last couple of years it has been harder.   What do I really want to focus on this year?  What will bring me back to my grounded center when I start to stray?  Where do I want to put my energy in  2018?

And so here it is -  INVEST - is my word for 2018.  I don't like it because it seems to have some kind of financial implications.  I don't mean it that way, but I haven't found a better word.   I considered some synonyms like "value" or "intentional" but they seemed more inclined toward simply thinking about something or someone.  Invest takes initiative.  It means action, not simply thinking about something or someone.  The question for 2018  is 'how will I invest my energy, my talents, my blessings this day?"  Everyday we are given 24 hours.  Each effort - each hour - each action is an investment, - but where, how, in whom?  Have I invested the minutes of my day in the most important people in my life?  Where could I invest more energy in order to do my part in building the kingdom of God?   These are the questions that I am excited to face in 2018.

On this new year's day, I pray that you will find a way to invest in the future and that God will guide you to a focus and a purpose for this year.