I’m in an in between spot in life. I opened up a package of 100 count tea candles that we bought at IKEA this weekend and as I dumped them in the drawer I caught myself thinking, “Well, I guess there will be leftover tea candles when I die.” In recent months I’ve noticed that when Kirk is encouraging me to buy something my usual answer is, “Why should we? It will just be another thing that the kids will put in the dumpster when we are dead.”
So, what does it all mean? It is possible that I am fatalistic with all my years of ministry in death and dying. I am too young to be focused on death unless I am rehearsing tragedy in order to cover up my feelings of vulnerability for the future. It might be that I am a realist, knowing that the things of this life are temporary and that my millennial generation children have no interest in the “treasures” that their parents or grandparents have hung on to in order to leave a lasting legacy for the future. Or it might be that I am somewhere in between.
In the in between, I am trying to figure out what it means to live in the second half of life - to be realistic about the future but also to fully engage with what is present. I know friends who are counting the days until retirement, planning for all the possibilities, and looking forward to a life that may or may not come to fruition. And I have friends who want to deny that they are aging, that there are changes ahead and don’t want to think about it until it is forced upon them. I guess all are valid approaches but I’m not sure where it is that I am at - in this in between.
Mostly, I have decided that I might be missing the present. That would be unfortunate. Sure, it is not all great. There are challenges. But the grass is not always greener on the other side of the fence and it irritates me when people keep glancing over there and thinking that they don’t have to deal with what is the here and now. It also makes me nervous to make too many plans about the future when we all know that life can change in an instant.
What a gift we are given - each day, each person, each event, - even each tea candle that I light. I want to be fully engaged in the present and to be thankful that I am alive to be part of whatever is happening right now in my life. I don't know what the future holds. All I know that God has placed me here in this place, at this time, and I want to do my best. What a gift! What a joy! Why would I spend my time worrying about the unknowns and miss the opportunities that are right before me.
At the same time, a favorite book of mine is Soul Salsa by Leonard Sweet. One of the chapters is entitled, “Bounce Your Last Check” and I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately. He says, “We are all going to die. Many of us are living as if we are immortal, but we are all going to die. The only question is, what will we leave behind when we die? If you dance the ‘soulsalsa’ in this new millennium, you will leave nothing behind. By the time you die, you will have given away whatever you have. Time it so that the last check bounces... To bounce one’s last check is to die vertical, not horizontal. To die vertical is to take a stand and to declare your values even when you die. To die horizontal is to allow others to declare your values for you and to let them take whatever stands they want to take with your money...”
It is an interesting combination of thoughts - and I am “in between.”” I’m trying to figure out how to live life - to live it to the fullest, right now, in whatever God gives to me. And at the same time to prepare for the future realizing that the lasting legacy may not be the amount of tea candles in a drawer or CDs in the bank but how we live our lives and our values for generations to come.
Salt
"Taste and see that the Lord is good." Psalm 34:8
